The Mrs Club
Thursday, June 5, 2008
A little over 3 years ago, I stood in front of my bathroom mirror, looked down at my hand and promised myself and God that I would testify.
Since then, I have…several times and each time it touches someone, tonight for some reason, I feel called upon to share this story, one more time.
When my husband and I knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, the only thing we wanted as much as being together was the gift of a child.
When I got pregnant, shortly after we were married, we were happy, well he was happy, I was ecstatic. I immediately called the doctor. I was a little exasperated when the receptionist told me very matter-of-factly that it would be six weeks before she could fit me in. I stared at the phone, perhaps she had not heard me right. I was with child. Surely I was more important than all those pap smears and whatever else. Nonetheless I was to wait six weeks.
The day of my appointment, my husband was very busy with a project. “I can stop and come with you” he offered but I could see he was at a fever pitch. “No need, I said, they said it’s just a routine confirmation, you can come when I go to see the heartbeat” I knew what to expect thanks to Google. Satisfied, he turned back to his computer.
At the office, it was all routine. Pee here, arm here, feet in these stirrups. The doctor hemmed and hawed, her bedside manner left much to be desired. Finally she asked me to get dressed and come into her office.
She had some concerns. My Hcg level wasn’t where it should have been. She wanted me to do an ultrasound right away. I called my husband while I waited. As I waited. I felt something. They called me for the ultrasound; more hemming and hawing. My husband decided to come anyway. While I waited, I started to bleed. The doctor said the baby was gone. Just like that. By the time my husband arrived I was a mess, literally and emotionally. He took me home.
I blamed the doctor. “She must have done something wrong I said, but deep down inside I blamed myself.
I conceived again less than a year later. I looked at the test blankly. My husband looked at it, it had two lines. “You are pregnant” he said. I said nothing. He took me in his arms. What if it happens again. He held me tight. It won’t.
I insisted on seeing the doctor immediately. A new doctor. Drove an hour out of my way. They said she was the best.
“Well, Congratulations” she said, smiling. I wasn’t. “Aren’t you happy?” She asked. “Cautiously optimistic” I replied. “Don’t worry” she patted my hand. Women miscarry all the time and go on to have perfectly healthy babies. I knew that already. I read it on Google. Everything looks good.
A month passed, then two weeks more. 7 weeks. “Don’t tell anyone” I told my husband. He did anyway. “It’ll be fine, don’t worry”.
4 more weeks. Almost 3 months. Another scheduled ultrasound. My husband missed the first, he was out of town I think. This time, he got ready and we drove together, he stroked my hand as he maneuvered in and out of traffic.
I put my feet up, this time I had done my nails. It would be like the movies. I was excited to show him the heartbeat. I had seen it the first time. The tech was very chatty.
She came in again, smiled and joked. “Now, this will be a little cold” she said. Pish, posh, I thought, bring it on!
Then she turned the screen away and got very silent. “Can we see” I asked. She said it wasn’t hospital policy. She would get a doctor for us. She left the room. My heart fluttered, I wished I could hold it still. My husband held my hand but his face was a mask. “Something is wrong” I said. “Don’t worry” He responded.
She still didn’t come.
“Something is wrong” I said again, my stomach had started lurching to join my heart.
“Don’t worry” He said. “Stop it. You always worry.” He was a little sharp.
“I am not worrying, I know”.
My doctor called us to her office.
“I’m sorry” She said. I didn’t hear anything else.
These things happen. There isn’t a heartbeat anymore. I can schedule a D&C when you’re ready.
I thought I was being very stoic. I only realized I was weeping when my husband wiped my tears. He held me close for a while. The doctor left the room, “Stay as long as you need” she said. We walked out through the waiting room. A woman smiled at me uncomfortably as she shifted in her chair to accommodate her very obvious pregnancy. I put on my sunglasses.
The whole ride home. I cried. Then I decided not to do a D&C. Maybe the doctor was wrong I thought. I prayed. She was not, I had to leave work early the day it happened. I could barely drive home because of the pain.
I thought I couldn’t go through it again. In fact I didn’t want to go through it again, but after a while the pain dulled and I became ready to try again. Nothing happened. For a year. Nothing. Finally I made an appointment with yet another doctor.
She was a sistah doctor…She made me feel at ease with her girlfriend! manner. I told her nothing was happening. She looked at my chart and then she looked at me. Are you having sex? She asked. Uh yeah, which is why I would have expectations, I responded. She laughed, “believe me it is not a strange question”. I laughed. “Look, it will happen and it’s too soon to worry anyway, let’s give it another six months ok” I nodded. Girlfriend! I trusted her.
My period was due two days later. It never came. Two weeks later, I still hadn’t checked. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to get my hopes up. I bought a test. It showed up immediately. I was pregnant.
The fears and doubts came flooding in. I held up my hand. No! not this time.
I walked to my bed and I knelt down and I told God, that this time I would testify, I would tell people how He had given me a gift. I would pray this baby through if I had to. I spent the next hour praising God and thanking Him. I would testify, I determined. Then I called my husband.
I gave birth to Sina in 2005. She is a perfect child and I testify as often as I have an audience.
I write this not to expose myself but to tell you to hold on. Hold on to your faith, hold on to your hope. Hold on. Even in the midst of what seems like the end, hold on. Know that what seems impossible can be possible. Know that there is a God. You may or may not believe this. Maybe you think religion is the opium of the masses, well be that as it may. I know that I have been blessed and that the well has not run dry. He who blessed me can bless you.
I don’t know what you are weeping for. I don’t know what you are longing for. I just know this, keep holding on…and when it comes. Testify.
Posted by Naija Babe ::
12:45 AM ::
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